It's hot and I'm sweating through the dry-weave t-shirt and, despite what the sales lady told me about the space age qualities of water-wicking fabrics, my right nipple is more chafed than a left-handed single mother of quintuplets. I don't know why I'm doing this, I don't know why I've been doing it all summer, and I definitely don't know why I'm running double time to catch up with my friend Cope.

He ran cross-country in high school. Running five miles is like getting out of bed to him. Right now, I really fucking hate that bastard. My mind wants to invent horrible ways to kill him and even more inventive means to hide the body but my legs and lungs are screaming what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck...

We round the corner towards the fifth mile marker (one, two, tree, four, FIF!) and I can almost taste the Sam Adams waiting for me in the refridgerator back home. I'm salivating over the Taco Bell waiting for me in the drive through window. I'll need it to get the taste of fitness out of my mouth.

I'm out of breath and I'm panting so I start humming to regulate my breathing. It's hard cause I'm at the point of exhaustion and my body wants to quit. We've got one quarter mile to go and I'm at the bottom of Forreston Avenue. It's a quarter mile hill at a forty five degree angle and at the top is the, dear sweet jesus, the end of the course and I've got to get there but my heart is slowly exploding in my chest and my lungs want to hyperventilate beacause they're starved for oxygen so I start singing, under my breath, real softly to myself, the theme song from the best animated series of all time:



That's when I realize it.

All the Gummi Berry Juice in the world won't help me.

I'm singing the chorus out loud, at the top of my lungs, and Cope has actually stopped to stare with this open-mouthed what the fuck is wrong with you expression etched all over his face.

I start laughing so hard that my side cramps up. I starts below my armpit and races down my ribs, towards my kidneys, and down into my leg. I'm laughing so hard that I'm limping and doing this wierd stutter step thing that goes long left stride, right stutter skip, long left stride, right stutter skip...

That was the longest quarter mile of my life.

Tags: sport